25/5/14
Homework this week:
- Raisin meditation
- mindful awareness of daily activity - rinsing/washing dishes
- mindfulness of body and breath (track 1)
- habit released - choose a different chair
- Raisin meditation
- mindful awareness of daily activity - rinsing/washing dishes
- mindfulness of body and breath (track 1)
- habit released - choose a different chair
Day one:
Tried the first meditation track - comforting voice and surprisingly fast body-type scan. This is good discipline though and going back to basics should pay off long term. I feel clear and settled in myself. Hope that lasts when in get back to busy work and family life. I guess the key will be to keep up my practice.
Raisin meditation:
I did this with a dried cranberry. I enjoyed it very much! I did a similar exercise with a piece of chocolate many years ago and I still remember it. It made me realise how much detail I miss in life. I wanted to drop it into the packet again to test my perception skills and see if I could identify my one cranberry from all the others. The sensation of it on my tongue was strong and lasting. I could recreate that whole experience quite vividly in my imagination if I wanted to. Often mourn the loss of my kids' childhood, feeling regret that I will one day wake up and have forgotten so many special moments. This exercise teaches me that actually all I have to do is show up and pay close attention to what i see, hear, feel, experience - what is going on - and the memories will then be so much stronger. I don't want to miss life while it goes past me but be present in each moment.
I did this with a dried cranberry. I enjoyed it very much! I did a similar exercise with a piece of chocolate many years ago and I still remember it. It made me realise how much detail I miss in life. I wanted to drop it into the packet again to test my perception skills and see if I could identify my one cranberry from all the others. The sensation of it on my tongue was strong and lasting. I could recreate that whole experience quite vividly in my imagination if I wanted to. Often mourn the loss of my kids' childhood, feeling regret that I will one day wake up and have forgotten so many special moments. This exercise teaches me that actually all I have to do is show up and pay close attention to what i see, hear, feel, experience - what is going on - and the memories will then be so much stronger. I don't want to miss life while it goes past me but be present in each moment.
Day Two:
Have chosen my daily activity to do mindfully -- washing/rinsing dishes. Seems simple enough. There is something very satisfying about paying attention to this activity and I like seeing all the 'muck' removed and cleaned -- there's a bit of therapy in that if I just pay attention!
Forgot to be mindful of dishes, but found that while clearing up I was enchanted by the texture of the washing up bowl, and sensitive to the temperature of the water. It's a lot more enjoyable than obsessing about the person I feel wronged me recently.
Day Three:
Woke up feeling sluggish but very pleased with myself I managed yoga and a slot of mindfulness meditation in the morning before kids got up. But then WHAM! The day hit me hard. A guy shouted at me for two minutes in front of my kids because he didn't like where I'd parked (which is sort of justified, as I'd blocked him in, but he wasn't actually going anywhere, I was only going to be two minutes, and I apologised a LOT.... some people just don't know how to be civilised about things.) Then had a small barny with husband on top.... feel like my loving kindness toward myself, nevermind everyone else, sapped away the minute my meditation was done. Have now broken my rule about going to bed early... up and working an hour later than I should.... off now to meditate for 10 mins.... I wonder if I'll be able to focus at all. Morning, can you just wait for a few extra hours to come, please? Hoping for a more centred day tomorrow. All those good intentions and then REALITY smacks you in the mouth. But I know that is where the battle really is, isn't it?
Day Four:
Have managed to do both morning and evening meditation -- this is great! Have realised that morning meditation straight after yoga provides the calming and centring recommended which I usually don't allow myself anyway. Still struggling with some negative feelings though. Overall this is all helping me cope with others' negative energy better I think.
Day Five:
Missed the morning meditation, and haven't managed to change my chair yet. Also have not been good about mindful dish washing. Feeling behind, unstable etc. Did evening meditation in bed (better than nothing) but this was not very comfortable (thinking about changing my mattress) and I was interrupted twice and so started over. It did help me remember a friend who is suffering, and that I might be able to help by recommending this programme to him.
Day Six:
Got up despite feeling caught up in my mind do to yoga and meditation -- a great benefit. I have discovered that when I am feeling negative it is even more important to be mindful, to get a stretch, to set aside time in my mind. I tend to hold my breath when I am stressed or feeling preoccupied in my thoughts -- not a great way to release tension. So, feeling better in myself, but worried about bumping up against others. Negotiating emotional turmoil well is not one of my strengths.
Had an angry conversation with husband. Feels as if doing this is bringing anger to my surface which I can't work out. Yes there were triggers but it feels out of proportion or not as controlled as normal. Could be just hormones. Did evening meditation. Hard to focus as distracted by thoughts of negative consequences from the conversation. Still that may have been justified.
Day Seven:
Well something is working -- sheer force of will and determination if nothing else, as I got up on a Saturday morning before work to do some yoga and meditation. That just about never happens. So for yoga and meditation this is the most consistent week I've probably ever had (doing both in morning plus meditation in evening). A pat on the back.
Found meditation hard work tonight as full of guilt over a parenting mistake I made .... keeps you humble, this job.
Have been trying to work out why the anger is there. It might be that I am just more in touch with myself, and more willing to express it, and more clear about what I want. So when what I want doesn't happen, am I lashing out faster? This is not what I was expecting. But I think I have to embrace it in some way..... is husband right and I really am a fairly angry person at heart? I just don't know. I didn't think I was but I guess now I need to face whatever it is that is really there under the surface.
Also, I didn't manage to do the different chair exercise. But I have noticed that I have opportunities to break patterns. This morning I washed myself with my left hand rather than my right, and thought about changing the order in which I dry my body parts. For a person who is so habit driven, this was work!
Now having read over my entries for this week, it's been very up and down. I have perceived my discipline and practice very positively, but my general attitude toward life seems narrow, harsh, angry and intolerant. Not at all what I was expecting. Must see what this all leads to next week.
