Week 5: Working with Difficulty
29/6/14
Homework:
- Breath and Body (track 4) followed by Sounds and Thoughts (track 5) followed by Working with Difficulty (track 6) once a week
- try to use 3 minute breathing space (3mbs) more often
- allow emotion and anger etc. to be present -- don't push emotions away
- gain distance from emotions by saying 'Oh, look, there's that familiar feeling X.... wonder what he's like today.'
- focus on how emotions link to body sensations.
29/6/14
Homework:
- Breath and Body (track 4) followed by Sounds and Thoughts (track 5) followed by Working with Difficulty (track 6) once a week
- try to use 3 minute breathing space (3mbs) more often
- allow emotion and anger etc. to be present -- don't push emotions away
- gain distance from emotions by saying 'Oh, look, there's that familiar feeling X.... wonder what he's like today.'
- focus on how emotions link to body sensations.
Day One
This territory is familiar .... focussing on emotions and physical sensations tends to move them on or change them. However I realised that most of this time I've been engaged in Doing mode ...Doing Meditation. What might be more useful is to cultivate Being mode. I don't engage in Being mode often enough esp with my kids.
This territory is familiar .... focussing on emotions and physical sensations tends to move them on or change them. However I realised that most of this time I've been engaged in Doing mode ...Doing Meditation. What might be more useful is to cultivate Being mode. I don't engage in Being mode often enough esp with my kids.
Day Two
Tried thinking about a difficulty I had -- altercation with a stranger a few weeks ago. Strangely felt very distant even though the incident normally makes me really mad to think about. It's all about injustice... being misinterpretted, misunderstood, and for my attempts at reasonable communication to be run over as if I hadn't taken any effort to be nice. These are also the issues I struggle with in my marriage to some degree. I am defensive whenever my insufficiency or shortcoming or thoughtlessness is pointed out. In my mind after nearly 20 mins meditation already, I felt very uninvolved and neutral toward that stranger, which was a surprise.But it was more disturbing to feel that I might start to not care or be neutral in a similar way toward my husband. This sensation has felt dangerously close lately. And I've noticed it. It makes me wonder if there is some 'barrier' to break through..... that I need to become more neutral and not care so much what he thinks, in order to be closer to him or communicate better with him in the long run.... ??? Does that make any sense? Seems opposite to me... feels I need to care much more, but there is a distancing that is happening that is both uncomfortable and yet feels necessary at this stage. It's weird. I'm not sure I like it. Thinking more and more about Being mode. Also, did not have alcohol tonight which helped clarity and wakefulness during meditation. Have decided not to have alcohol until after meditation all this week.
Day Three
Day Three
Was super hard not to have a G&T or glass of wine with dinner but paid off - felt so much more alert. Had some blocks on the difficulty section as didn't manage to feel much bodily but tried anyway. Feeling more positive tonight perhaps because not working late for once.
Day Four
Resisted alcohol temptation again. But didn't eat the right things for dinner so was grumpy later. This sparked conflict with husband. Trying to mend this I did just the Three minute breathing space rather than the full 26 minutes routine for the week. It did help but further conflict ensued. I really have trouble when my feelings get in the way, when I start to feel hurt or unjustly treated. It's a royal pain in the ass to try and be mindful at that point! I mostly just want to smother people with how I feel, and mostly the people who I feel hurt by. That's not very nice. Going to try and get some time outs today .... I feel sad when I think about settling for 'things as they are' -- I want things to be better. And trying to make them better in the present seems like banging my head against a wall. This programme is either harder than I thought or doing a good job of bringing my issues to the surface or probably both.... just hoping it comes together at the end and I have a clearer perspective on things.
Day Seven
Past two days got rather full with work projects. Didn't get a lot of time for meditation but did a little both days. I am noticing just how much my mind misses meditation when it doesn't happen. It's like I feel restless and crave some 'down time' (though that is pretty much a permanent state with me!) I defnitely feel I have clearer perspective and communicate more clearly. I am surprised at how distant my strong emotions are regarding difficult situations. It's almost like when I allow some focus on them, real focus, they dissolve and aren't really all that important. I think something about this comes from a deep need to be heard and understood. I hope I am better at giving this to my children than my parents were. But I'm not sure. Maybe I was overly needy, and maybe my daughter is as well. Not good to indulge that too much.... but also hard to find the right balance. So when I have difficult emotion, I may need to practice acknowledging it to MYSELF.... remembering that first I must hear and understand myself.... once I do that I will probably not get so worked up talking to other people. I also definitely have a better idea of how my emotions link up to my body sensations.
Resisted alcohol temptation again. But didn't eat the right things for dinner so was grumpy later. This sparked conflict with husband. Trying to mend this I did just the Three minute breathing space rather than the full 26 minutes routine for the week. It did help but further conflict ensued. I really have trouble when my feelings get in the way, when I start to feel hurt or unjustly treated. It's a royal pain in the ass to try and be mindful at that point! I mostly just want to smother people with how I feel, and mostly the people who I feel hurt by. That's not very nice. Going to try and get some time outs today .... I feel sad when I think about settling for 'things as they are' -- I want things to be better. And trying to make them better in the present seems like banging my head against a wall. This programme is either harder than I thought or doing a good job of bringing my issues to the surface or probably both.... just hoping it comes together at the end and I have a clearer perspective on things.
Day Seven
Past two days got rather full with work projects. Didn't get a lot of time for meditation but did a little both days. I am noticing just how much my mind misses meditation when it doesn't happen. It's like I feel restless and crave some 'down time' (though that is pretty much a permanent state with me!) I defnitely feel I have clearer perspective and communicate more clearly. I am surprised at how distant my strong emotions are regarding difficult situations. It's almost like when I allow some focus on them, real focus, they dissolve and aren't really all that important. I think something about this comes from a deep need to be heard and understood. I hope I am better at giving this to my children than my parents were. But I'm not sure. Maybe I was overly needy, and maybe my daughter is as well. Not good to indulge that too much.... but also hard to find the right balance. So when I have difficult emotion, I may need to practice acknowledging it to MYSELF.... remembering that first I must hear and understand myself.... once I do that I will probably not get so worked up talking to other people. I also definitely have a better idea of how my emotions link up to my body sensations.
