Week 4: sounds and thoughts

Week 4

15/6/14

Camping hols

Have decided to try to cover weeks 3-4 of the programme over 3 weeks in total. So have started using track 5 Sounds and Thoughts meditation but will flick between this and last week's assignments too. Was not v good last week at introduction of Three Minute Meditation so will try and get this established better this week. 

Homework:
- aim to get some stretching and/or mindful movement once a day
- body and breath meditation leading into sounds and thoughts meditation at least once a day
- establish Three Minute Meditation twice a day
- focus on mindfulness in/of movement,  sounds, thoughts, feelings - noticing these as the background to what is happening at the time

Day One
Got reading of much of chapter done and short meditation in evening.  Looking forward to paying close attention to sounds of birds etc while camping.

Day Two

Being on holiday camping is good for mindfulness of movement and sound especially.  Working on thoughts and feelings as good to have a small and uncluttered environment to work on this as internal weather patterns needed a bit of breathing space. Good B&B + sounds meditation tonight and remembered to check in with thoughts and feelings a couple times.

Day Three
A bit of a stretch first thing. Noticed and was mindful of my thought patterns several times. Tonight did a three minute breathing space, very helpful yo get out of spinning thought traps. Later did tracks 3, 4, 5 back to back - mindful movement (nice to do outdoors), body and breath and sounds and thoughts.  Nearly fell asleep by the end but feel much more centred and still as a result. Can feel myself trying to react better to everyday situations. 

Day Four
No time in the morning before seaside trip, but did do body and breath and sounds and thoughts tonight.  Nearly fell asleep again by the end - something v relaxing in track 5. Did some sun salutations too. Gaining perspective all the time on my own behaviour. .... I think I'm going through a period of adjustment in my relationship with husband - feels he doesn't trust my emotional side, but wants to, so testing me....maybe, not sure.

Day five
No stretches this morning but did swim.  Tracks 4-5 tonight.  Yet to sort out 3minBrSpace as a regular thing. Have been blunt but hopefully contained with husband about harsh tones and using any future reaction as a guide to his present action/choice. Hope that we work that out soon.  V sleepy. 

Day Six - Nine

Some meditation and some stretching, but a bit sporadic. 

Day Ten
Only managed three minute breathing space one morning and once evening. Keep going to bed tired and had wine so not v focussed. Have done some meditation every day bar Sunday (day 8). Just getting some is an accomplishment.  I still feel a slight mode of checking myself - not sure if that is mindfulness but giving it a try. 

Day Twelve
Yesterday did two three minute breathing spaces. Today just one but finished tonight with b&b and thoughts & sounds. I'm feeling angry and unjustly treated.  It is hard work sitting still with these emotions.  It helps me get distance and perspective - I can't change other people but I don't want other's actions to have such power over my emotions.  I feel messed up.

Day Thirteen
Woke up and tried to start afresh.....did stretching plus 3 min breathing space.  All went downhill after that. ... horrid day made me feel like giving up altogether on any form of self-improvement or attempt at relationship progress. Could have been worse but really angry inside. Don't know why but feels v strong like I'm not getting out of life what I need. Not sure what to do. Did marathon work session late past midnight so not fit for much.....will attempt another 3 min breathing space and hope to wake early enough to do stretching in the morning.

Day Fourteen
Did not get up in time to stretch....oops. did a three minute breathing space late before bed. Unsure if I've got myself sorted on these weeks but will move on anyway. Given the next week is all about working with difficulty,  and I feel I've been required to deal with difficulty a lot in the past week, I'm hoping it will seem very timely and wonder if the choice to delay was silly.....in any case I see the value of the practice somewhat starkly! 

Summary: 

- need to keep working on the three minute breathing space when possible -- this could be really useful but so far not established very well. 

- seems time to move on to working with difficulty

- gaining perspective on behaviour steadily

 

 

Week Three: The Mouse in the Maze

8/6/14

Homework this week:

• Mindful Movement meditation (track 3) followed by Breath and Body meditation (track 4) in the evenings, plus Yoga and sitting meditation mornings
• Three-minute Breathing Space meditation (track 8) twice a day
• Habit Releaser: valuing the TV (choose only programme intending to watch and then shut off) 

Carried over from last week:

• mindfulness of daily activity: walking up and down stairs
• Ten gratitudes
• be mindful of body sensations, thoughts, feelings

Thoughts from book:

• pulling donkeys may not be as effective as waiting for them to want to move
• I want to open creative pathways, not get stuck in aversion pathways
• 
  

Day One

Mindful movement is interesting -- because I do yoga regularly I find it odd to try to tune into my body in this way, but I think by combining it with my normal yoga practice and trying to make THAT more mindful, I might really get somewhere. Breath and Body fairly standard -- tonight preoccupied with a bit of exciting news from work, but otherwise pretty calm and fairly focused. Three minute breathing space -- tried it straight after B&B and got distracted in the 'focus' section .... as if I resist too much focus! I think paying attention to my breathing more through the day might be really useful.

Ten Gratitudes: working printers, husbands that make printers work, electronic books, sunshine, children who smile, soft grass, thunderstorms, mother-in-laws, early nights, the smell of incense.
 

Day Two

Was tired both morning and evening but did both sets of stretching/meditation.  Find it hard to really enjoy the time even though benefits are very clear.  Forgot three minute breathing space though could have really used it at one point. 

Ten Gs: dishwashers, brother, aluminium, ice lollies, sunny weather,  shrek show, music, piano,  puzzles, hair. 

Day Three 

Very moody, sad, depressed.  No stretching or meditation. 

Day Four 

Yesterday was odd. Can't quite process. Might be going through some sort of maturing process. Feels like I'm leaving my impulsive, emotion-centred, egocentric self and realising how shallow and selfish she is. I bite my tongue more, I indulge others while thinking other thoughts, and don't give my feelings as much weight. This leads to mourning my lost self. I feel like I don't know who I am. I am reinventing myself. First I was angry,  now sad. I am hoping acceptance and moving on come next. 

Did short yoga and meditation this morning.  Tracks 3&4 tonight. Calmed due to taking a nap as well. 

Some of this I am just powering through even though I don't feel like doing it. 

Ten G's: Sarah, Mark, Alex, understanding husband, strawberries, new sheets, cats, dresses on little girls, chat technology, naps. 

Day 5 

Did meditation morning (though short) and evening.  Starting to feel more clarity. 

Day 6 

What a day! Several mini crises. Got me all stirred up and thought about three minite breathing space - applied in about one minute but it did help. getting a payoff in how I deal with hard situations. A watershed evening at work. 

Ten Gs: good workers, flexible minds, people who smile, yogurt, blueberries, girls who are respectful, husband who needs love, bicycles,  bed, incense. 

Day Seven 

No meditation - poor mindfulness generally and worked v late into night. 

Generally feel I need more time to establish the things going on in this week's part of the programme but pressing on. An unsettled week but accepting this as part of the journey.  

Week Two: Keeping the Body in Mind

1/6/14

Homework this week:

• Body Scan meditation (track 2) twice a day
• Routine activity mindfully: showering
• Habit releaser: go for a walk (and be observant/mindful)
• Ten Finger Gratitudes

Thoughts from book:

• what activities, things or people make life feel good? knitting, sewing, cooking, pretending with girls
• when pleasant activities present themselves: 
• be aware of body sensations
• be aware of thoughts
• be aware of feelings

Day One:

Body scan this morning productive -- good to try this again. Don't think it's connected but body has felt achy all day -- a bit like when you have a fever, so may be catching a bug. Fell asleep tonight though -- focus needs work.
Didn't shower.
Ten gratitudes: good health, sunshine, WHC farm, friends B and A, chicken pot pie, pastry, cookies, calm husband, forgiving daughter, dishwashers.

Already finding some connections sometimes between how body feels and thoughts preceding. Somewhat helped by the fact that I have felt my body complaining today, though I notice it complains more when I have thoughts like 'this isn't what I want to be happening' or 'this is too hard, and I don't like it' or 'why does this bad thing happen to me today when I don't feel I can cope with it?' I think I probably have these thoughts a lot. Hoping to react to them better as time goes on and hope this week helps that process.

Day two:

Felt pretty ill most of the day - achy and fevery. Did morning body scan but fairly sleepy. 

Day three: 

Still not 100% but did morning scan in bed - bed is not v comfortable. Shower managed some mindfulness. Evening - buzzing as feels like illness now past. Whole body felt twitchy during scan so hard to lie still. 

Ten gratitudes: carpets, cats, braided hair, my mum, students worth my effort, tidy bedroom,  a good book, anticipation, lemon cookies, strawberries.

Day Four:
Got up a little late so did track 1 meditation from last week -- useful to recap this as realised how much more I can tap into certain areas of the body quickly, mostly due to the body scan I imagine. Also finding that I feel much more conscious and alert while driving, which actually feels like I should panic because if I'm paying such close attention then something must be about to go wrong! But on reflection, I think this is just being more alert and.... mindful! about my driving, my surroundings, about my choices on the road. Useful. Didn't manage evening meditation as stayed up late watching film with husband.

Day Five:
Got up late again -- and it felt rather pointless, selfish, unproductive. Still did body scan though, and glad I did. Feels I am able to stay focussed for longer and didn't drift off as much this time. About the time I was congratulating myself on this I then missed the whole section of face/head. Ha! Nevermind. I am starting to see how many negative thoughts I have. Just now I was looking out my window and watched some people cross the road. I don't know them. But thoughts of jealousy, superiority, instantly crossed my mind. Where does that come from? Emotionally and intellectually I know I'm no better than anyone else out there. And I'm a big one for giving people a chance even when they've messed up. But actually I am so insulated in my own cocoon of a world and queen of my little domain that it becomes hard to see other people as relevant. Yesterday when driving at a time of day I never get out, I was stunned at how many people were out driving, walking, cycling etc. --- there is so much 'world' that goes on without me knowing. I wondered where they were going.... to a party? to the pub? to spend time with friends? home for dinner? to a club or activity? I am jealous of that.

Also I have notice how angry I am. I don't know where this anger is coming from or what I should do with it just yet. It feels general as if life has dealt me a hard hand. Maybe I need to re-examine what I want out of life right now in terms of family/work/life balance. I don't like being angry.

Body scan late evening - restless and hard to focus. Felt twitchy.

Day six: 

Have seen a connection between this practice and the Seven Habits (Covey) which I am also doing a little study on at present. His first habit, be proactive, is a lot about being alert, awake, ready to see what needs to be done, and clearing obstacles out of the way and getting on with it. I find this connection alarming at first, but actually now rather obvious. Also, habit to, begin with the end in mind, and habit three, put first things first are also both about having mental clarity. Mental traffic jams must account for a huge amount of unproductivity for me (and others).

Body scan this morning was good - my mind mostly seems active on problem solving type activities. Have also noticed I have poor acceptance levels generally. For example, I will walk into a room and notice the things I am dissatisfied with and start to blame someone, or begin to feel angry. If a room is a mess, I get unhappy. This is a shame as rooms are very often (nearly always) messy in my life.

Evening body scan.... a phrase jumps out at me... not sure why I haven't noticed it before. 'Letting go of the tendency to want things to be a certain way..... accepting things just as we find them.' Wow I really need to work on that. This doesn't mean that things are how you want them to be, but it means that the negative emotional response is sort of cut out of the picture because you're looking to accept the situation AS IT IS and move on to decide how you will act. This is strong stuff.


Day Seven:
Body scan both morning and night. Was quite tired by evening. Feel more present in myself. Kevin has also commented. I have more distance from my anger now, and also some distance at my intolerance of things not being what I want them to be. Mostly feel disappointment..... in situations, in my response, in my overloaded expectations.... hard to explain but most of what I feel is disappointment. I focus on feelings a lot..... feel the need to step back from feelings as well and let the 'traffic' of the mind go past me.

Weekly round up:
Have done ok with mindful showering..... often thinking about the day ahead but I also enjoy my routine of washing. Haven't done brilliantly at gratitudes.... will carry that over to next week. Have tried to enjoy nice moments of life more and let them breathe a little bit. I think the girls are noticing that I'm less frantic.... they are asking me to come play with them more which probably means I feel more available to them. Looking forward to seeing what the book has to offer this week. Did go for two short walks but wasn't terribly mindful experience. Hoping to do something this week with a bit more purpose in that regard.

I also feel my communication channels opening up more with others around me.

Let's see what next week brings.