6/7/14
Notes from reading:
- dangerous mind pattern: 'I can't change. Whatever this issue is I'm dealing with, I'm stuck with it forever because it's going to be a permanent problem.'
Day One
I find coming back to the Loving Kindness meditation after a break of 3+ years very important ..... I think I easily forget to love myself and must work on this in order to love others. I also realise I have a connection to one of my daughters that is deep and somehow different to the other .... I feel one will cope with suffering better than the other though of course would never wish suffering on either. This is good mental work for me to be doing.
6/7/14
Exercise on P 190
-- Happy: I was very happy when I got the news that I would be studying abroad on a scholarship.
-- Bored: I was bored while interviewing someone I knew I would not be hiring.
-- Relieved: I was relieved when my daughters wasp sting to the mouth did not develop into a serious allergic reaction.
-- Hopeless: I felt hopeless when I was late for my doctor's appointment.
-- Excited: I felt excited the day of my prenatal scan.
-- Failure: I felt like a failure the day I attended a meeting and broke down in tears in front of the MD.
-- Lonely: I felt lonely when I boarded the plane without the rest of my family.
-- Sad: I felt sad the day I heard my brother's wife was leaving him.
-- Lucky: I felt lucky the day I learned for sure that I was pregnant.
-- Relaxed: I felt relaxed while on holiday in Majorca.
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23/8/14
Much time has passed.
Althought i have not kept up with the weekly planned progress, i have dipped into the book more and done a fair bit of meditation here and there.
Times when I'm really busy are hardest because I find it so hard to find a slot or tear myself away long enough to calm down to meditate. I've even been exhausted to the point of regularly falling asleep in the girls' room as they are falling asleep. But I still know the benefits and am determined to make it a regular habit. I have been very good at cutting down on overall alcohol intake and very rarely have any prior to meditating.
I am worried that my busyness is detrimental... yes something needs to be done practically to give myself more margin and breathing space, but I also need to get out of the mental trap of it feeling like a relentless grind - that I am trapped by it and unable to get out of it.
The focus on the present moment and working on breathing through one task at a time is really key
I think.
I was struck tonight while meditating that i do not want to be the cause of someone else's unhappiness. Now sometimes it's unavoidable, for example when I need to fire someone. That's likely to make them unhappy even if it is the right decision. However, if my being unsettled and working on my limit of patience results in me speaking to others in an angry or sharp tone, I've infected someone else with my negative baggage and dented their happiness. I probably do this a lot. I need to rein it in. I need to be at peace with my emotions and dwell with them without spreading them around like little grenades.
24/8/14
I have begun working through all 8 meditations at least once for each this week.
Did track 1 yesterday, track 2 this morning and tracks 3-4 this evening. I found the movement meditation strange this time - it seemed to me that it was hard to tune in to the after effects of each stretch. Not sure what this says except I am not very settled in my body, so continuing yoga in the mornings is important. I am finding it easier to tune in to my breath recently.
Looking forward to rediscovering the sounds meditation. Might have to go in a grassy field for that one.
25/8/14
Sounds and thoughts was hard. I think I am run down enough that I find it hard to hear well, if that makes sense. Not sure why that makes sense in my head but probably trying to understand why it is hard. I feel like I'm at a funfair full of distractions and bright lights and noise and social demands and all I want to do is lock myself in a dark room for a week. Baking helps. Husband commented I am emotionally distant and seem to be pushing him away. Don't really have energy to spend but at the same time really want to cultivate a good relationship with him.
26/8/14
Did the Working with Difficulty section again tonight, so tracks 4, 5, and 6.
Found using the technique of bringing difficulty to mind and then focussing on body sensations especially effective. Tonight worked with feelings of anger and frustration I have with a relative. By the end I wouldn't say these feelings were resolved at all, but I felt much more distance from them and more able to keep thoughtful distance. They didn't seem to matter so much any more. Looking forward to reading more about the end of the programme and suggested ways forward. I have in mind to develop my own programme which might go something like this:
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern,
-- 5mins breath awareness,
-- 5 mins focus on either body scan, sounds and thoughts, working with difficulty, or practising compassion to myself,
-- optional additional 5 mins to add another or same of those options,
-- and 5 mins loving kindness to round it off.
Might be trying to achieve too much there....... not sure. Will see what Penman recommends.
As I've spent a good amount of time on befriending over the past month or so, I'm now moving on to week 7.
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