2015 September

27/9/15

I have been fairly bald for over a month now.... it has been a joyful experience, and it has reminded me how much we judge one another on appearances alone. I feel more in touch with people around me for some reason. I believe my new look also emphasizes my discomfort/disharmony when that is happening for me, as my face can't hide it nearly so easily. This motivates me to get my inner world 'right' so that my face and attitude show kindness and generosity.

My hope that my meditation habit would become more instilled didn't quite work out.... but I am a little bit 'back on track' as I've just begun reading/practicing (from a preview copy) Danny Penman's 'Mindfulness for Creativity.'

I've been using the Breathing meditation for only 6 days so far, but already I've learned a lot. I had forgotten that mindfulness is at least as much about connection to surroundings and the body as it is on examining one's thoughts/actions. I had been using it more as a tool to interrogate my thoughts/actions to try to correct them, rather than a way of connecting to the present moment. It's been refreshing to get back to that place, of just enjoying the present. This week I've had occasion to ride my bike 4 times (unusual), and each time it's been very pleasant to simply absorb my surroundings, rather than planning what I'll do when my ride finishes, or mulling over a work problem. This journey gives me mental rest, which I do badly need.

Also, I have only got part way through chapter 2, which explains a lot of the background and psychology of what's going on with mindfulness and meditation. I am very familiar with my flight or fight (or 'threat-avoidance' system) response. I also activate but hadn't understood the 'achievement' system and it's motivations. The negativity bias explains a great deal, especially in my relationship to my husband, and why, when he asks me to change, he seems so many more of my failures and notices so few of my successes. But the biggest revelation to me so far is the 'soothing-and-contentment' system -- one that I have very little programming in from my childhood, and have begun to play with in my working life without really knowing that's what it was. It's what actors use to combat stage-fright, and what artists must have to gain the perspective necessary to complete a large work. This feels like a 'bingo' moment in my awareness of the emotional/mental processes that affect my thoughts and actions (see how important those still are for me!)

Another journey is just beginning.