2015 September

27/9/15

I have been fairly bald for over a month now.... it has been a joyful experience, and it has reminded me how much we judge one another on appearances alone. I feel more in touch with people around me for some reason. I believe my new look also emphasizes my discomfort/disharmony when that is happening for me, as my face can't hide it nearly so easily. This motivates me to get my inner world 'right' so that my face and attitude show kindness and generosity.

My hope that my meditation habit would become more instilled didn't quite work out.... but I am a little bit 'back on track' as I've just begun reading/practicing (from a preview copy) Danny Penman's 'Mindfulness for Creativity.'

I've been using the Breathing meditation for only 6 days so far, but already I've learned a lot. I had forgotten that mindfulness is at least as much about connection to surroundings and the body as it is on examining one's thoughts/actions. I had been using it more as a tool to interrogate my thoughts/actions to try to correct them, rather than a way of connecting to the present moment. It's been refreshing to get back to that place, of just enjoying the present. This week I've had occasion to ride my bike 4 times (unusual), and each time it's been very pleasant to simply absorb my surroundings, rather than planning what I'll do when my ride finishes, or mulling over a work problem. This journey gives me mental rest, which I do badly need.

Also, I have only got part way through chapter 2, which explains a lot of the background and psychology of what's going on with mindfulness and meditation. I am very familiar with my flight or fight (or 'threat-avoidance' system) response. I also activate but hadn't understood the 'achievement' system and it's motivations. The negativity bias explains a great deal, especially in my relationship to my husband, and why, when he asks me to change, he seems so many more of my failures and notices so few of my successes. But the biggest revelation to me so far is the 'soothing-and-contentment' system -- one that I have very little programming in from my childhood, and have begun to play with in my working life without really knowing that's what it was. It's what actors use to combat stage-fright, and what artists must have to gain the perspective necessary to complete a large work. This feels like a 'bingo' moment in my awareness of the emotional/mental processes that affect my thoughts and actions (see how important those still are for me!)

Another journey is just beginning.

2015 August

17/8/15

My meditation sessions were interrupted by a house move, but I still maintained a very strong sense of their importance. I will soon have a very daily reminder to focus on what's really important, as I'm shaving off my hair today.

I want to take a moment to be clear as to why I'm doing this, and what it means to me.

I'm shaving my head because:

• it shows support for my sister-in-law who is undergoing chemotherapy and has lost her hair
• I am raising money for the charity she is being supported by, Penny Brohn. My donation page is at www.justgiving.com/heidihollis
• I want to give myself a release from people's expectations of me, of my own past patterns -- do a bit of starting fresh
• I want a daily reminder that in the end, 'It's not about me.' There is humility built into this act -- a shedding of appearances, a letting go of vanity, a reminder to focus on things that transcend day to day concerns -- the things that really matter like relationships, and the meaning we give to ourselves and our actions
• I want a daily reminder that taking care of my spirit is much more important than taking care of my appearance. This is about as close as I'll get to being a nun! 

I am somewhat fearful that my history will follow me more than I wish it to, but that too is part of the journey. I have noticed recently how much my vocal/emotional pattern sends messages of expectation to others -- that I'm coming to them already expecting they will do what I want. It's not all about me. They get to choose. And if they don't get to choose, I shouldn't be the factor that inhibits them. 

2015 May and June

1/6/15

I've had a recent 'renewal' of energy behind my mindfulness practice. Various other competing factors in my life have (by careful decision-making) begun to get less pressing and/or been ranked as less important, and I've therefore recovered a better balance of time to put into mindfulness practice. I've suddenly got headspace that I haven't had in years.

It all started one week when I decided to try and do both some yoga and some meditation everyday. At least 15 mins of each. And over the past couple of weeks, I haven't missed a day. And the fact I haven't missed a day (though am sometimes doing the yoga at 11.55pm) inspires me to continue not missing a day.

I have found as a result that I am more able to hear what others are really saying to me, happier in myself, more able to cope with difficult emotions, generally less stressed, etc. Life is good!

Currently my meditation takes this pattern:

• 5 mins to clear the decks and check in with myself and my weather pattern
• 5 mins breathing awareness
• 5 mins focussing on my own well-being (eg. May I be safe and free from suffering, may I be as happy and as health as it is possible to be, may I have ease of being.) 
• 5 mins focussing on other's well-being (eg. the same but applied to husband or others). 

This seems to work well for me and is leading me to new insights. For example, I've realised that my main purpose in my marriage is to help make my husband's life happier. If I speak to him in a way that is bound to increase his unhappiness, I am failing to give him what he deserves in our relationship. 

A LOT of new thoughts and patterns emerging. Exciting to see where they will take me. 

2015_01&02_January and February

16/2/15
I spent quite a lot of time working out my schedule/boundaries and trying to ensure I have a clear idea of when my rest time comes. It has not been easy, but it has made me more aware of when I compromise those boundaries, and what is getting 'paid' more time, and what is getting 'debited' time.

Currently I see it as imperative that I put aside 'Golden Time' with my kids on a Wednesday afternoon -- I have to protect that time, or it will get eaten up by my own projects (baking) or my misc jobs (errands) or my lack of present-ness (answering business calls).

I have also been better at keeping my meditation appointments. They are fairly consistent Monday - Weds, and then slack off over the hectic build up to my weekend and inconvenient work commitments. However, this past Monday I took some time to recuperate and have strengthened my resolve to ensure I keep my nightly appointment 6 out of 7 nights a week.

Recently, I've been feeling as though I am very much in the present moment a lot of time, but that it comes at a cost. I will say or promise something, and the next minute something distracts me and I forget all about it. I do still have too much noise in my head and too much multi-tasking as a distraction.

I am working on incorporating more compassion and loving kindness into my meditation now. I feel I need a simpler format for a while, so I'm following this:
 -- 10 mins breath awareness
 -- 10 mins loving kindness toward myself and others

I was heartened to listen to this Ted Talk about the benefits of loving kindness.... maybe if enough of us do this it really will change the world: https://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ricard_how_to_let_altruism_be_your_guide

I am also using my awareness of each moment to guard what comes out of my mouth more. I am doing a Penny Drop for Lent... every time I criticise my husband by something I say, I drop a penny in the jar. Keeps me thinking more about what I say.


1/6/15
Heartened to read some of the above. The setting aside time on Weds is certainly paying off, and I'm developing a better sense of what my kids need from me.

2014_11&12 November and December Meditations

As it worked so well in September (though got pushed out of the schedule in October) I am planning to keep this format for the time being:

-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern, choosing what to work with (sounds, difficulty, body awareness)
-- 5 mins breath awareness to prepare and 'clear the decks',
-- 5 mins focus on either body scan, sounds and thoughts, working with difficulty

-- 5 (or more) mins loving kindness for myself and others.

I also want to keep finding 3 minutes here and there in my work day to do the 5 minute breathing space, and if I'm finding proper meditation hard, I plan to motivate myself with some knitting. :) 

26/12/14
I have only just now begun to reintegrate meditation back into my life. Things have gotten seriously out of balance. I have previously prioritised so many other things.... but enough is enough. I know that I want to focus the coming year on achieving greater peace of mind and more ability to enjoy the present moment. To do that, I really need the benefits of daily meditation.

I have downloaded Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness -- a book online in PDF form no less that follows the traditional Eighfold Path but in a very East-meets-West sort of way. I am hesitant to embark on what looks like such a large project, but I am also convinced it is probably the right thing to do to achieve my aims.

I'm going to dedicate a full 30 mins per evening to my meditation in order to try and get through this material and apply it. That's going to be a hard commitment to keep, but I'm sure it will be worth it. Let everything else fall by the wayside..... this is something I really must do for myself.

In order to measure my ability to work with this and develop my practice, I have two goals in mind:
1. Develop more enjoyment of the present moment
2. Develop greater peace of mind

Enjoyment of the present moment: 
This might include stopping to smell the proverbial roses, enjoying a game or book with my kids, when doing a planned activity being open to what is actually happening rather than what I had planned, doing things that make me feel good.

Greater Peace of Mind:
At present, I believe my mind will be at peace if I:
- take care with my body
- take care with my mental and emotional space
- take care with my relationships through speech and action
- practice balance in applying my energy to self, relationships, work, and environment
- cultivate compassion for all creatures.
- and accept my shortcomings with all of the above

I now realise that I must be very much PRESENT in order to do all of the above with any degree of care and success -- if I am trapped mentally in what I want to happen in future or in what has/hasn't happened in the past, I'm pretty doomed not to have peace of mind.

I have a yearning to find some new structure or daily 'thought' to centre my meditation on. I'm not sure if this will help. I will try a few sources in the next few days.... Gretchen's Daily Happiness Thought, the Tricycle email, Action for Happiness which comes up on my Facebook..... See what sticks.

Meanwhile, I really REALLY need to engage with the present on a more visceral level as I sometimes feel I'm going through the motions of what could be a really nice time but I fail to really connect with it fully, or even nearly. I'm certain meditation will help me do this, so I am committed to it.

Another thing that will really help is defining my boundaries better... when are my moments of unavailability for my business, when are my committed times with my children and husband, etc. These need defining now before I go back to work properly. A lot to sort out and resolve myself to at present!

2014_09 September Meditations

For September 2014, I'm following this pattern of meditation:
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern, choosing what to work with (sounds, difficulty, body awareness)
-- 5 mins breath awareness to prepare and 'clear the decks',
-- 5 mins focus on either body scan, sounds and thoughts, working with difficulty
-- 5 (or more) mins loving kindness for myself and others.

I think I will find the second part the hardest, but the most useful -- getting some distance from my 'issues' and then coming back to them once I'm more grounded in my breath.

Also looking to incorporate:

5 ways to achieve better balance
1. Take a break every two hours when working- do three minute breathing space followed by a five minute activity from below three options **
2. Aim to wrap up early - don't work to the last second
3. Keep doing morning yoga
4. Keep doing evening meditation
5. Keep one hour free on Monday evenings for nourishing activities

When motivation is low, drop into body to see how mood is affecting or is reflected in body sensations.

**1. Something pleasurable
Caring for body - bath, shave, nail polish, cut nails, brush hair, body creme/lotion, foot massage, eat something nice, cup of tea, cool drink, yoga stretch, sit in silence, look out window for awhile, meditate on a nice picture, wear Jewellery,
Activities - knitting, baking, cooking, talking to a friend, read a book, Facebook, TV,

2. Mastery or achievement:
Tidying, organising, cleaning, diary something nice, solve a problem, pay a bill,

3. Be more mindful in next activity (eg of trigger below)

I think the break every two hours while working will be an interesting one. I think I will benefit enormously if I can make it happen. Work hard, then a break. That's the way to get things done and keep a clear head. It will naturally break the day up into manageable chunks and also force me to eat and hydrate regularly.

23/9/14

Meditations of an evening are going pretty well. I go through patches of making it happen every night, and then have a couple of dry days, but I still find myself taking greater care over my mental space, and also noticing when I'm neglecting it and the negative repercussions -- like short temperedness etc.

My pattern is working well. Using time at first to choose what to work with really helps me check in with myself to find out what is going on with me. It works very well to then try to back away from that and spend time on consciousness of breathing in order to not obcess on the chosen thing. Then come back to it and work with it and see where it takes me.

An amazing thing happened last night. A couple of things have coalesced. I have been listening to my audio book of Covey's Seven Habits and the discussion about paradigm shifts, and thinking about how important it is to invest in relationships with others where they know their point of view is valued. At the same time, I am working on my poor habit of speaking whatever is in my head, and not being very mindful in my communication, and the unsettling feelings I have both when I have said things that weren't well-judged (and offended people, such as husband) and when I don't say what I think and bottle up resentment. While I was meditating last night these things all got stirred up together and I viewed the problem as follows:

I can be on my own 'train track' quite a lot -- I have things I want to accomplish, deadlines both real and created, goals for work and family, and trying also to take care of myself. Along comes another human being, minding their own business, and intersects my track. I can often view them as an interruption, and they probably get fairly 'short sharp' treatment so I can get back on my track again. But then I considered what that experience is like from their point of view. They wandered into my world hoping for an interaction, or to settle a question, or to offer something, or to just be nearby. How would they describe this experience with me after it happened? Would it be a positive report?

I have blinkers on a lot, I think and need to widen my scope of vision to allow others a way to interact with me that isn't coloured by my need to be on my 'track'. I think I need to step off my track and get on their track sometimes. Invest in their part of the interaction and find out what track they are on.

And all that came out of a meditation. Amazing!


31/10/14

So Meditation practice has suffered A LOT lately. I feel very out of touch with myself, and in large part because my work has been 'running me' instead of the other way around. I'm determined to regain control, but have found I'm a bit scared to stop and take a good look at myself as I think I'm in pretty poor mental shape. So I've decided that if I can't quite face full meditation I can start with knitting and ease into it.

The format is working well, so I plan to continue with it for the time being. Roll on November.

Week Eight: Your Wild and Precious Life

27/8/14
Read this chapter quickly and it seems to bring me right back where I started - knowing the aims of my mindfulness practice are rooted in better relationships with husband and kids, more efficient work, reducing stress, anxiety and emotional volatility, and enhancing awareness, joy and focus.

Pleased to see no prescription for going forward. Will try my week as planned of Sounds and Thoughts plus Befriending and then move on to my own formula after that. Will report back when appropriate!

Small side note -- I was glad to read about stopping to enjoy completeness. I crave this and will do it well. :)

28/8/14

Had a brilliant revelation tonight.

Today on the beach the cousins and husband constructed a barrier against the incoming tide - a hole in which one could stand and watch the surf surround you but not touch you. They built it up high on all sides, but once the sea reached it, it took only a couple of minutes for the whole structure to be compromised by the relentless rush of water.

While meditating it struck me -- nearly every problem I face is like that fortress and the incoming tide. I can spend time trying to solve the problem by building my defence higher, or I can accept the situation and trust that, although uncomfortable, the tide of time will solve it. For example - husband is in a weird mood and very defensive and argumentative. I can either complain bitterly at how harshly he treats me and 'push back' with my own negativity justified by his poor communication pattern, or I can ensure I communicate well and wait for him to sort his own shit out.

Feel this rounds off my experience of Penman's book beautifully. I am taking great pride and sense of accomplishment in having completed the course with a plan for further 'being'.

Hats off --- here I go on a less guided experiment.

1/9/14
Sounds and Thoughts plus Befriending working well enough, but I crave moving on to a less guided meditation, so going to work on
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern,
-- 5 mins breath awareness and linking into body sensations,
-- 5 mins focus on practising compassion to myself.

10/9/14
The pattern above is working, but I want to flesh it out further. I think there is a decision point when I reach the first stage -- what do I find in my body and mind in the first 5 mins? Then there is an opportunity to choose what happens next... work with a difficulty, etc. I think I'll try this now:
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern, choosing what to work with (sounds, difficulty, body awareness)
-- 5 mins breath awareness to prepare and 'clear the decks',
-- 5 mins focus on either body scan, sounds and thoughts, working with difficulty
-- 5 (or more) mins loving kindness for myself and others.

I'm also keen to print off some of my insights from week 7 and have those more to hand.

I have also been continuing working on Covey's Seven Habits, and have become very interested in the Personality ethic vs. Character ethic. I have ordered Benjamin Franklin's autobiography as I think it is a great way to reconnect with my heritage while at the same time think more about character and what I want to cultivate in myself and in my kids. I'm considering having a 'value for the month' focus, and I think I'll put these on a separate blog. Each should provide me with some 'food' for meditation and focus for improving myself, which I seem to need badly at present!

It's been very useful to take some time to reflect on how I want to move forward and how I want to structure my meditation time. Hoping this takes off and I can make it a very clear and disciplined journey.