2014_09 September Meditations

For September 2014, I'm following this pattern of meditation:
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern, choosing what to work with (sounds, difficulty, body awareness)
-- 5 mins breath awareness to prepare and 'clear the decks',
-- 5 mins focus on either body scan, sounds and thoughts, working with difficulty
-- 5 (or more) mins loving kindness for myself and others.

I think I will find the second part the hardest, but the most useful -- getting some distance from my 'issues' and then coming back to them once I'm more grounded in my breath.

Also looking to incorporate:

5 ways to achieve better balance
1. Take a break every two hours when working- do three minute breathing space followed by a five minute activity from below three options **
2. Aim to wrap up early - don't work to the last second
3. Keep doing morning yoga
4. Keep doing evening meditation
5. Keep one hour free on Monday evenings for nourishing activities

When motivation is low, drop into body to see how mood is affecting or is reflected in body sensations.

**1. Something pleasurable
Caring for body - bath, shave, nail polish, cut nails, brush hair, body creme/lotion, foot massage, eat something nice, cup of tea, cool drink, yoga stretch, sit in silence, look out window for awhile, meditate on a nice picture, wear Jewellery,
Activities - knitting, baking, cooking, talking to a friend, read a book, Facebook, TV,

2. Mastery or achievement:
Tidying, organising, cleaning, diary something nice, solve a problem, pay a bill,

3. Be more mindful in next activity (eg of trigger below)

I think the break every two hours while working will be an interesting one. I think I will benefit enormously if I can make it happen. Work hard, then a break. That's the way to get things done and keep a clear head. It will naturally break the day up into manageable chunks and also force me to eat and hydrate regularly.

23/9/14

Meditations of an evening are going pretty well. I go through patches of making it happen every night, and then have a couple of dry days, but I still find myself taking greater care over my mental space, and also noticing when I'm neglecting it and the negative repercussions -- like short temperedness etc.

My pattern is working well. Using time at first to choose what to work with really helps me check in with myself to find out what is going on with me. It works very well to then try to back away from that and spend time on consciousness of breathing in order to not obcess on the chosen thing. Then come back to it and work with it and see where it takes me.

An amazing thing happened last night. A couple of things have coalesced. I have been listening to my audio book of Covey's Seven Habits and the discussion about paradigm shifts, and thinking about how important it is to invest in relationships with others where they know their point of view is valued. At the same time, I am working on my poor habit of speaking whatever is in my head, and not being very mindful in my communication, and the unsettling feelings I have both when I have said things that weren't well-judged (and offended people, such as husband) and when I don't say what I think and bottle up resentment. While I was meditating last night these things all got stirred up together and I viewed the problem as follows:

I can be on my own 'train track' quite a lot -- I have things I want to accomplish, deadlines both real and created, goals for work and family, and trying also to take care of myself. Along comes another human being, minding their own business, and intersects my track. I can often view them as an interruption, and they probably get fairly 'short sharp' treatment so I can get back on my track again. But then I considered what that experience is like from their point of view. They wandered into my world hoping for an interaction, or to settle a question, or to offer something, or to just be nearby. How would they describe this experience with me after it happened? Would it be a positive report?

I have blinkers on a lot, I think and need to widen my scope of vision to allow others a way to interact with me that isn't coloured by my need to be on my 'track'. I think I need to step off my track and get on their track sometimes. Invest in their part of the interaction and find out what track they are on.

And all that came out of a meditation. Amazing!


31/10/14

So Meditation practice has suffered A LOT lately. I feel very out of touch with myself, and in large part because my work has been 'running me' instead of the other way around. I'm determined to regain control, but have found I'm a bit scared to stop and take a good look at myself as I think I'm in pretty poor mental shape. So I've decided that if I can't quite face full meditation I can start with knitting and ease into it.

The format is working well, so I plan to continue with it for the time being. Roll on November.

Week Eight: Your Wild and Precious Life

27/8/14
Read this chapter quickly and it seems to bring me right back where I started - knowing the aims of my mindfulness practice are rooted in better relationships with husband and kids, more efficient work, reducing stress, anxiety and emotional volatility, and enhancing awareness, joy and focus.

Pleased to see no prescription for going forward. Will try my week as planned of Sounds and Thoughts plus Befriending and then move on to my own formula after that. Will report back when appropriate!

Small side note -- I was glad to read about stopping to enjoy completeness. I crave this and will do it well. :)

28/8/14

Had a brilliant revelation tonight.

Today on the beach the cousins and husband constructed a barrier against the incoming tide - a hole in which one could stand and watch the surf surround you but not touch you. They built it up high on all sides, but once the sea reached it, it took only a couple of minutes for the whole structure to be compromised by the relentless rush of water.

While meditating it struck me -- nearly every problem I face is like that fortress and the incoming tide. I can spend time trying to solve the problem by building my defence higher, or I can accept the situation and trust that, although uncomfortable, the tide of time will solve it. For example - husband is in a weird mood and very defensive and argumentative. I can either complain bitterly at how harshly he treats me and 'push back' with my own negativity justified by his poor communication pattern, or I can ensure I communicate well and wait for him to sort his own shit out.

Feel this rounds off my experience of Penman's book beautifully. I am taking great pride and sense of accomplishment in having completed the course with a plan for further 'being'.

Hats off --- here I go on a less guided experiment.

1/9/14
Sounds and Thoughts plus Befriending working well enough, but I crave moving on to a less guided meditation, so going to work on
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern,
-- 5 mins breath awareness and linking into body sensations,
-- 5 mins focus on practising compassion to myself.

10/9/14
The pattern above is working, but I want to flesh it out further. I think there is a decision point when I reach the first stage -- what do I find in my body and mind in the first 5 mins? Then there is an opportunity to choose what happens next... work with a difficulty, etc. I think I'll try this now:
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern, choosing what to work with (sounds, difficulty, body awareness)
-- 5 mins breath awareness to prepare and 'clear the decks',
-- 5 mins focus on either body scan, sounds and thoughts, working with difficulty
-- 5 (or more) mins loving kindness for myself and others.

I'm also keen to print off some of my insights from week 7 and have those more to hand.

I have also been continuing working on Covey's Seven Habits, and have become very interested in the Personality ethic vs. Character ethic. I have ordered Benjamin Franklin's autobiography as I think it is a great way to reconnect with my heritage while at the same time think more about character and what I want to cultivate in myself and in my kids. I'm considering having a 'value for the month' focus, and I think I'll put these on a separate blog. Each should provide me with some 'food' for meditation and focus for improving myself, which I seem to need badly at present!

It's been very useful to take some time to reflect on how I want to move forward and how I want to structure my meditation time. Hoping this takes off and I can make it a very clear and disciplined journey.

Week Seven: When did you stop Dancing?

26/8/14
Have read some of this chapter and it feels familiar territory.

Nourishing and depleting activities exercise

D -- working at my desk - answering emails, making phone calls, doing admin
D -- getting girls ready for nursery
N -- yoga
N -- meditating
D -- online food shopping and meal planning
D -- tidying/washing up
N -- cooking or baking
N -- reading/listening to self-help books/material
N -- messaging family
D -- sorting out diary for the family
D -- working at s/c
N -- organising costumes or sewing
N -- reading a novel
N/D -- playing/shopping/caring for girls

Be present: work at being present with the things I find/ depleting so that I can mindfully continue to make decisions about what I want on those circumstances. Eg. Going on windy beach with girls even thou I really didn't want too -- staying present helped me to gain what I could, give to them, and find balance.

5 ways to achieve better balance
1. Take a break every two hours when working- do three minute breathing space followed by a five minute activity from below three options **
2. Aim to wrap up early - don't work to the last second
3. Keep doing morning yoga
4. Keep doing evening meditation
5. Keep one hour free on monday evenings for nourishing activities

When motivation is low, drop into body to see how mood is affecting or is reflected in body sensations.

Suggested pattern for this week is to choose two meditations to work with. Likely this would serve me well for getting back into normal life after holiday. My choices are Befriending and Sounds and Thoughts. Also want to keep working on Breathing Space.

**1. Something pleasurable
Caring for body - bath, shave, nail polish, cut nails, brush hair, body creme/lotion, foot massage, eat something nice, cup of tea, cool drink, yoga stretch, sit in silence, look out window for awhile, meditate on a nice picture, wear Jewellery,
Activities - knitting, baking, cooking, talking to a friend, read a book, Facebook, TV,

2. Mastery or achievement:
Tidying, organising, cleaning, diary something nice, solve a problem, pay a bill,

3. Be more mindful in next activity (eg of trigger below)

Mindfulness bells or triggers:

• Preparing food - Any food preparation is a great opportunity for mindfulness— vision, hearing, taste, smell, touch. Focus on the feel of the knife as it slices through vegetables of different texture, or the smell released as each vegetable is chopped.

• Eating - Try having part of a meal in silence or without the distraction of TV or the radio. Really focus on the food— colors, shapes, perhaps thinking about how this food came to you, the sensations of eating. See how easily you taste the first mouthful and no other. What does the fourth mouthful taste like?

• Washing the dishes - A great opportunity for exploring sensations, constantly coming back to the present moment, rinsing this dish, water flowing, sensation of temperature, etc.

• Driving - Be aware of deciding where to focus your mind while you are driving. If you decide to focus on the upcoming meeting, etc., know that this is the decision you have made. If you decide to make your primary focus something other than the actual driving, notice how quickly you can shift driving into the foreground of your attention when the situation demands. Notice if you are leaving the actual act of driving too much in the background of your attention! Take some of your driving time to make your primary focus the driving— all the sensations, the movement of your hands, feet and so on, the visual scanning you are doing, the shifting of your vision from close up to far away and so on.

• Walking Pay - attention to the actual sensations of walking; notice when the mind goes elsewhere and come back to “just walking.”

• Become a model citizen! - When crossing the street, use the pedestrian signals as an opportunity to stand quietly and focus on your breath, rather than an opportunity to try to beat the lights. Red lights An opportunity to sit quietly, peacefully and be aware of your breath.

• Listening - When you are listening, notice when you are not listening— when you start to think of something else, what you are going to say in response, etc. Come back to actually listening.

27/8/14
Found myself using breathing space today a few times (just mentally as I went along, not stopping activity but finding a gap). It was really useful for calming down elevated emotional states which I seem to get into regularly. First evening on Sounds and Thoughts followed by Befriending --- a good combination for me at the moment. Also really working on just being rather than doing meditation.

Week Six: Trapped in the Past or Living in the Present

6/7/14
Notes from reading:

• dangerous mind pattern: 'I can't change. Whatever this issue is I'm dealing with, I'm stuck with it forever because it's going to be a permanent problem.'

Day One

I find coming back to the Loving Kindness meditation after a break of 3+ years very important ..... I think I easily forget to love myself and must work on this in order to love others.  I also realise I have a connection to one of my daughters that is deep and somehow different to the other .... I feel one will cope with suffering better than the other though of course would never wish suffering on either. This is good mental work for me to be doing. 

6/7/14
Exercise on P 190

-- Happy: I was very happy when I got the news that I would be studying abroad on a scholarship.

-- Bored: I was bored while interviewing someone I knew I would not be hiring.

-- Relieved: I was relieved when my daughters wasp sting to the mouth did not develop into a serious allergic reaction.

-- Hopeless: I felt hopeless when I was late for my doctor's appointment.

-- Excited: I felt excited the day of my prenatal scan.

-- Failure: I felt like a failure the day I attended a meeting and broke down in tears in front of the MD.

-- Lonely: I felt lonely when I boarded the plane without the rest of my family.

-- Sad: I felt sad the day I heard my brother's wife was leaving him.

-- Lucky: I felt lucky the day I learned for sure that I was pregnant.

-- Relaxed: I felt relaxed while on holiday in Majorca.





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23/8/14

Much time has passed.

Althought i have not kept up with the weekly planned progress, i have dipped into the book more and done a fair bit of meditation here and there.

Times when I'm really busy are hardest because I find it so hard to find a slot or tear myself away long enough to calm down to meditate. I've even been exhausted to the point of regularly falling asleep in the girls' room as they are falling asleep. But I still know the benefits and am determined to make it a regular habit. I have been very good at cutting down on overall alcohol intake and very rarely have any prior to meditating.

I am worried that my busyness is detrimental... yes something needs to be done practically to give myself more margin and breathing space, but I also need to get out of the mental trap of it feeling like a relentless grind - that I am trapped by it and unable to get out of it.

The focus on the present moment and working on breathing through one task at a time is really key
I think.


I was struck tonight while meditating that i do not want to be the cause of someone else's unhappiness. Now sometimes it's unavoidable, for example when I need to fire someone. That's likely to make them unhappy even if it is the right decision. However, if my being unsettled and working on my limit of patience results in me speaking to others in an angry or sharp tone, I've infected someone else with my negative baggage and dented their happiness. I probably do this a lot. I need to rein it in. I need to be at peace with my emotions and dwell with them without spreading them around like little grenades.


24/8/14

I have begun working through all 8 meditations at least once for each this week.

Did track 1 yesterday, track 2 this morning and tracks 3-4 this evening. I found the movement meditation strange this time - it seemed to me that it was hard to tune in to the after effects of each stretch. Not sure what this says except I am not very settled in my body, so continuing yoga in the mornings is important. I am finding it easier to tune in to my breath recently.

Looking forward to rediscovering the sounds meditation. Might have to go in a grassy field for that one.


25/8/14


Sounds and thoughts was hard. I think I am run down enough that I find it hard to hear well, if that makes sense. Not sure why that makes sense in my head but probably trying to understand why it is hard. I feel like I'm at a funfair full of distractions and bright lights and noise and social demands and all I want to do is lock myself in a dark room for a week. Baking helps. Husband commented I am emotionally distant and seem to be pushing him away. Don't really have energy to spend but at the same time really want to cultivate a good relationship with him.


26/8/14


Did the Working with Difficulty section again tonight, so tracks 4, 5,  and 6.

Found using the technique of bringing difficulty to mind and then focussing on body sensations especially effective. Tonight worked with feelings of anger and frustration I have with a relative. By the end I wouldn't say these feelings were resolved at all, but I felt much more distance from them and more able to keep thoughtful distance. They didn't seem to matter so much any more. Looking forward to reading more about the end of the programme and suggested ways forward. I have in mind to develop my own programme which might go something like this:
-- 5 mins looking at my weather pattern,
-- 5mins breath awareness,
-- 5 mins focus on either body scan, sounds and thoughts, working with difficulty, or practising compassion to myself,
-- optional additional 5 mins to add another or same of those options,
-- and 5 mins loving kindness to round it off.
Might be trying to achieve too much there....... not sure. Will see what Penman recommends.


As I've spent a good amount of time on befriending over the past month or so, I'm now moving on to week 7.

Week Five: Working with Difficulty

Week 5: Working with Difficulty
29/6/14

Homework:
- Breath and Body (track 4) followed by Sounds and Thoughts (track 5) followed by Working with Difficulty (track 6) once a week
- try to use 3 minute breathing space (3mbs) more often
- allow emotion and anger etc. to be present -- don't push emotions away
- gain distance from emotions by saying 'Oh, look, there's that familiar feeling X.... wonder what he's like today.'
- focus on how emotions link to body sensations.

Day One
This territory is familiar .... focussing on emotions and physical sensations tends to move them on or change them. However I realised that most of this time I've been engaged in Doing mode ...Doing Meditation.  What might be more useful is to cultivate Being mode. I don't engage in Being mode often enough esp with my kids. 

Day Two

Tried thinking about a difficulty I had -- altercation with a stranger a few weeks ago. Strangely felt very distant even though the incident normally makes me really mad to think about. It's all about injustice... being misinterpretted, misunderstood, and for my attempts at reasonable communication to be run over as if I hadn't taken any effort to be nice. These are also the issues I struggle with in my marriage to some degree. I am defensive whenever my insufficiency or shortcoming or thoughtlessness is pointed out. In my mind after nearly 20 mins meditation already, I felt very uninvolved and neutral toward that stranger, which was a surprise.But it was more disturbing to feel that I might start to not care or be neutral in a similar way toward my husband. This sensation has felt dangerously close lately. And I've noticed it. It makes me wonder if there is some 'barrier' to break through..... that I need to become more neutral and not care so much what he thinks, in order to be closer to him or communicate better with him in the long run.... ??? Does that make any sense? Seems opposite to me... feels I need to care much more, but there is a distancing that is happening that is both uncomfortable and yet feels necessary at this stage. It's weird. I'm not sure I like it. Thinking more and more about Being mode. Also, did not have alcohol tonight which helped clarity and wakefulness during meditation. Have decided not to have alcohol until after meditation all this week.

Day Three

Was super hard not to have a G&T or glass of wine with dinner but paid off - felt so much more alert. Had some blocks on the difficulty section as didn't manage to feel much bodily but tried anyway. Feeling more positive tonight perhaps because not working late for once. 

Day Four
Resisted alcohol temptation again. But didn't eat the right things for dinner so was grumpy later. This sparked conflict with husband. Trying to mend this I did just the Three minute breathing space rather than the full 26 minutes routine for the week. It did help but further conflict ensued. I really have trouble when my feelings get in the way, when I start to feel hurt or unjustly treated. It's a royal pain in the ass to try and be mindful at that point! I mostly just want to smother people with how I feel, and mostly the people who I feel hurt by. That's not very nice. Going to try and get some time outs today .... I feel sad when I think about settling for 'things as they are' -- I want things to be better. And trying to make them better in the present seems like banging my head against a wall. This programme is either harder than I thought or doing a good job of bringing my issues to the surface or probably both.... just hoping it comes together at the end and I have a clearer perspective on things.

Day Seven
Past two days got rather full with work projects. Didn't get a lot of time for meditation but did a little both days. I am noticing just how much my mind misses meditation when it doesn't happen. It's like I feel restless and crave some 'down time' (though that is pretty much a permanent state with me!) I defnitely feel I have clearer perspective and communicate more clearly. I am surprised at how distant my strong emotions are regarding difficult situations. It's almost like when I allow some focus on them, real focus, they dissolve and aren't really all that important. I think something about this comes from a deep need to be heard and understood. I hope I am better at giving this to my children than my parents were. But I'm not sure. Maybe I was overly needy, and maybe my daughter is as well. Not good to indulge that too much.... but also hard to find the right balance. So when I have difficult emotion, I may need to practice acknowledging it to MYSELF.... remembering that first I must hear and understand myself.... once I do that I will probably not get so worked up talking to other people. I also definitely have a better idea of how my emotions link up to my body sensations.

Week 4: sounds and thoughts

Week 4

15/6/14

Camping hols

Have decided to try to cover weeks 3-4 of the programme over 3 weeks in total. So have started using track 5 Sounds and Thoughts meditation but will flick between this and last week's assignments too. Was not v good last week at introduction of Three Minute Meditation so will try and get this established better this week. 

Homework:
- aim to get some stretching and/or mindful movement once a day
- body and breath meditation leading into sounds and thoughts meditation at least once a day
- establish Three Minute Meditation twice a day
- focus on mindfulness in/of movement,  sounds, thoughts, feelings - noticing these as the background to what is happening at the time

Day One
Got reading of much of chapter done and short meditation in evening.  Looking forward to paying close attention to sounds of birds etc while camping.

Day Two

Being on holiday camping is good for mindfulness of movement and sound especially.  Working on thoughts and feelings as good to have a small and uncluttered environment to work on this as internal weather patterns needed a bit of breathing space. Good B&B + sounds meditation tonight and remembered to check in with thoughts and feelings a couple times.

Day Three
A bit of a stretch first thing. Noticed and was mindful of my thought patterns several times. Tonight did a three minute breathing space, very helpful yo get out of spinning thought traps. Later did tracks 3, 4, 5 back to back - mindful movement (nice to do outdoors), body and breath and sounds and thoughts.  Nearly fell asleep by the end but feel much more centred and still as a result. Can feel myself trying to react better to everyday situations. 

Day Four
No time in the morning before seaside trip, but did do body and breath and sounds and thoughts tonight.  Nearly fell asleep again by the end - something v relaxing in track 5. Did some sun salutations too. Gaining perspective all the time on my own behaviour. .... I think I'm going through a period of adjustment in my relationship with husband - feels he doesn't trust my emotional side, but wants to, so testing me....maybe, not sure.

Day five
No stretches this morning but did swim.  Tracks 4-5 tonight.  Yet to sort out 3minBrSpace as a regular thing. Have been blunt but hopefully contained with husband about harsh tones and using any future reaction as a guide to his present action/choice. Hope that we work that out soon.  V sleepy. 

Day Six - Nine

Some meditation and some stretching, but a bit sporadic. 

Day Ten
Only managed three minute breathing space one morning and once evening. Keep going to bed tired and had wine so not v focussed. Have done some meditation every day bar Sunday (day 8). Just getting some is an accomplishment.  I still feel a slight mode of checking myself - not sure if that is mindfulness but giving it a try. 

Day Twelve
Yesterday did two three minute breathing spaces. Today just one but finished tonight with b&b and thoughts & sounds. I'm feeling angry and unjustly treated.  It is hard work sitting still with these emotions.  It helps me get distance and perspective - I can't change other people but I don't want other's actions to have such power over my emotions.  I feel messed up.

Day Thirteen
Woke up and tried to start afresh.....did stretching plus 3 min breathing space.  All went downhill after that. ... horrid day made me feel like giving up altogether on any form of self-improvement or attempt at relationship progress. Could have been worse but really angry inside. Don't know why but feels v strong like I'm not getting out of life what I need. Not sure what to do. Did marathon work session late past midnight so not fit for much.....will attempt another 3 min breathing space and hope to wake early enough to do stretching in the morning.

Day Fourteen
Did not get up in time to stretch....oops. did a three minute breathing space late before bed. Unsure if I've got myself sorted on these weeks but will move on anyway. Given the next week is all about working with difficulty,  and I feel I've been required to deal with difficulty a lot in the past week, I'm hoping it will seem very timely and wonder if the choice to delay was silly.....in any case I see the value of the practice somewhat starkly! 

Summary: 

- need to keep working on the three minute breathing space when possible -- this could be really useful but so far not established very well. 

- seems time to move on to working with difficulty

- gaining perspective on behaviour steadily

 

 

Week Three: The Mouse in the Maze

8/6/14

Homework this week:

• Mindful Movement meditation (track 3) followed by Breath and Body meditation (track 4) in the evenings, plus Yoga and sitting meditation mornings
• Three-minute Breathing Space meditation (track 8) twice a day
• Habit Releaser: valuing the TV (choose only programme intending to watch and then shut off) 

Carried over from last week:

• mindfulness of daily activity: walking up and down stairs
• Ten gratitudes
• be mindful of body sensations, thoughts, feelings

Thoughts from book:

• pulling donkeys may not be as effective as waiting for them to want to move
• I want to open creative pathways, not get stuck in aversion pathways
• 
  

Day One

Mindful movement is interesting -- because I do yoga regularly I find it odd to try to tune into my body in this way, but I think by combining it with my normal yoga practice and trying to make THAT more mindful, I might really get somewhere. Breath and Body fairly standard -- tonight preoccupied with a bit of exciting news from work, but otherwise pretty calm and fairly focused. Three minute breathing space -- tried it straight after B&B and got distracted in the 'focus' section .... as if I resist too much focus! I think paying attention to my breathing more through the day might be really useful.

Ten Gratitudes: working printers, husbands that make printers work, electronic books, sunshine, children who smile, soft grass, thunderstorms, mother-in-laws, early nights, the smell of incense.
 

Day Two

Was tired both morning and evening but did both sets of stretching/meditation.  Find it hard to really enjoy the time even though benefits are very clear.  Forgot three minute breathing space though could have really used it at one point. 

Ten Gs: dishwashers, brother, aluminium, ice lollies, sunny weather,  shrek show, music, piano,  puzzles, hair. 

Day Three 

Very moody, sad, depressed.  No stretching or meditation. 

Day Four 

Yesterday was odd. Can't quite process. Might be going through some sort of maturing process. Feels like I'm leaving my impulsive, emotion-centred, egocentric self and realising how shallow and selfish she is. I bite my tongue more, I indulge others while thinking other thoughts, and don't give my feelings as much weight. This leads to mourning my lost self. I feel like I don't know who I am. I am reinventing myself. First I was angry,  now sad. I am hoping acceptance and moving on come next. 

Did short yoga and meditation this morning.  Tracks 3&4 tonight. Calmed due to taking a nap as well. 

Some of this I am just powering through even though I don't feel like doing it. 

Ten G's: Sarah, Mark, Alex, understanding husband, strawberries, new sheets, cats, dresses on little girls, chat technology, naps. 

Day 5 

Did meditation morning (though short) and evening.  Starting to feel more clarity. 

Day 6 

What a day! Several mini crises. Got me all stirred up and thought about three minite breathing space - applied in about one minute but it did help. getting a payoff in how I deal with hard situations. A watershed evening at work. 

Ten Gs: good workers, flexible minds, people who smile, yogurt, blueberries, girls who are respectful, husband who needs love, bicycles,  bed, incense. 

Day Seven 

No meditation - poor mindfulness generally and worked v late into night. 

Generally feel I need more time to establish the things going on in this week's part of the programme but pressing on. An unsettled week but accepting this as part of the journey.  

Week Two: Keeping the Body in Mind

1/6/14

Homework this week:

• Body Scan meditation (track 2) twice a day
• Routine activity mindfully: showering
• Habit releaser: go for a walk (and be observant/mindful)
• Ten Finger Gratitudes

Thoughts from book:

• what activities, things or people make life feel good? knitting, sewing, cooking, pretending with girls
• when pleasant activities present themselves: 
• be aware of body sensations
• be aware of thoughts
• be aware of feelings

Day One:

Body scan this morning productive -- good to try this again. Don't think it's connected but body has felt achy all day -- a bit like when you have a fever, so may be catching a bug. Fell asleep tonight though -- focus needs work.
Didn't shower.
Ten gratitudes: good health, sunshine, WHC farm, friends B and A, chicken pot pie, pastry, cookies, calm husband, forgiving daughter, dishwashers.

Already finding some connections sometimes between how body feels and thoughts preceding. Somewhat helped by the fact that I have felt my body complaining today, though I notice it complains more when I have thoughts like 'this isn't what I want to be happening' or 'this is too hard, and I don't like it' or 'why does this bad thing happen to me today when I don't feel I can cope with it?' I think I probably have these thoughts a lot. Hoping to react to them better as time goes on and hope this week helps that process.

Day two:

Felt pretty ill most of the day - achy and fevery. Did morning body scan but fairly sleepy. 

Day three: 

Still not 100% but did morning scan in bed - bed is not v comfortable. Shower managed some mindfulness. Evening - buzzing as feels like illness now past. Whole body felt twitchy during scan so hard to lie still. 

Ten gratitudes: carpets, cats, braided hair, my mum, students worth my effort, tidy bedroom,  a good book, anticipation, lemon cookies, strawberries.

Day Four:
Got up a little late so did track 1 meditation from last week -- useful to recap this as realised how much more I can tap into certain areas of the body quickly, mostly due to the body scan I imagine. Also finding that I feel much more conscious and alert while driving, which actually feels like I should panic because if I'm paying such close attention then something must be about to go wrong! But on reflection, I think this is just being more alert and.... mindful! about my driving, my surroundings, about my choices on the road. Useful. Didn't manage evening meditation as stayed up late watching film with husband.

Day Five:
Got up late again -- and it felt rather pointless, selfish, unproductive. Still did body scan though, and glad I did. Feels I am able to stay focussed for longer and didn't drift off as much this time. About the time I was congratulating myself on this I then missed the whole section of face/head. Ha! Nevermind. I am starting to see how many negative thoughts I have. Just now I was looking out my window and watched some people cross the road. I don't know them. But thoughts of jealousy, superiority, instantly crossed my mind. Where does that come from? Emotionally and intellectually I know I'm no better than anyone else out there. And I'm a big one for giving people a chance even when they've messed up. But actually I am so insulated in my own cocoon of a world and queen of my little domain that it becomes hard to see other people as relevant. Yesterday when driving at a time of day I never get out, I was stunned at how many people were out driving, walking, cycling etc. --- there is so much 'world' that goes on without me knowing. I wondered where they were going.... to a party? to the pub? to spend time with friends? home for dinner? to a club or activity? I am jealous of that.

Also I have notice how angry I am. I don't know where this anger is coming from or what I should do with it just yet. It feels general as if life has dealt me a hard hand. Maybe I need to re-examine what I want out of life right now in terms of family/work/life balance. I don't like being angry.

Body scan late evening - restless and hard to focus. Felt twitchy.

Day six: 

Have seen a connection between this practice and the Seven Habits (Covey) which I am also doing a little study on at present. His first habit, be proactive, is a lot about being alert, awake, ready to see what needs to be done, and clearing obstacles out of the way and getting on with it. I find this connection alarming at first, but actually now rather obvious. Also, habit to, begin with the end in mind, and habit three, put first things first are also both about having mental clarity. Mental traffic jams must account for a huge amount of unproductivity for me (and others).

Body scan this morning was good - my mind mostly seems active on problem solving type activities. Have also noticed I have poor acceptance levels generally. For example, I will walk into a room and notice the things I am dissatisfied with and start to blame someone, or begin to feel angry. If a room is a mess, I get unhappy. This is a shame as rooms are very often (nearly always) messy in my life.

Evening body scan.... a phrase jumps out at me... not sure why I haven't noticed it before. 'Letting go of the tendency to want things to be a certain way..... accepting things just as we find them.' Wow I really need to work on that. This doesn't mean that things are how you want them to be, but it means that the negative emotional response is sort of cut out of the picture because you're looking to accept the situation AS IT IS and move on to decide how you will act. This is strong stuff.


Day Seven:
Body scan both morning and night. Was quite tired by evening. Feel more present in myself. Kevin has also commented. I have more distance from my anger now, and also some distance at my intolerance of things not being what I want them to be. Mostly feel disappointment..... in situations, in my response, in my overloaded expectations.... hard to explain but most of what I feel is disappointment. I focus on feelings a lot..... feel the need to step back from feelings as well and let the 'traffic' of the mind go past me.

Weekly round up:
Have done ok with mindful showering..... often thinking about the day ahead but I also enjoy my routine of washing. Haven't done brilliantly at gratitudes.... will carry that over to next week. Have tried to enjoy nice moments of life more and let them breathe a little bit. I think the girls are noticing that I'm less frantic.... they are asking me to come play with them more which probably means I feel more available to them. Looking forward to seeing what the book has to offer this week. Did go for two short walks but wasn't terribly mindful experience. Hoping to do something this week with a bit more purpose in that regard.

I also feel my communication channels opening up more with others around me.

Let's see what next week brings.

Week one: Mindfulness of Breath and Body

25/5/14

Homework this week:
- Raisin meditation
- mindful awareness of daily activity - rinsing/washing dishes
- mindfulness of body and breath (track 1)
- habit released - choose a different chair

Day one:

Tried the first meditation track - comforting voice and surprisingly fast body-type scan. This is good discipline though and going back to basics should pay off long term. I feel clear and settled in myself. Hope that lasts when in get back to busy work and family life. I guess the key will be to keep up my practice.

Raisin meditation:
I did this with a dried cranberry. I enjoyed it very much! I did a similar exercise with a piece of chocolate many years ago and I still remember it.  It made me realise how much detail I miss in life. I wanted to drop it into the packet again to test my perception skills and see if I could identify my one cranberry from all the others. The sensation of it on my tongue was strong and lasting. I could recreate that whole experience quite vividly in my imagination if I wanted to.  Often mourn the loss of my kids' childhood, feeling regret that I will one day wake up and have forgotten so many special moments. This exercise teaches me that actually all I have to do is show up and pay close attention to what i see, hear, feel, experience - what is going on - and the memories will then be so much stronger. I don't want to miss life while it goes past me but be present in each moment.

Day Two:

Have chosen my daily activity to do mindfully -- washing/rinsing dishes. Seems simple enough. There is something very satisfying about paying attention to this activity and I like seeing all the 'muck' removed and cleaned -- there's a bit of therapy in that if I just pay attention!

Forgot to be mindful of dishes, but found that while clearing up I was enchanted by the texture of the washing up bowl, and sensitive to the temperature of the water. It's a lot more enjoyable than obsessing about the person I feel wronged me recently.

Day Three:

Woke up feeling sluggish but very pleased with myself I managed yoga and a slot of mindfulness meditation in the morning before kids got up. But then WHAM! The day hit me hard. A guy shouted at me for two minutes in front of my kids because he didn't like where I'd parked (which is sort of justified, as I'd blocked him in, but he wasn't actually going anywhere, I was only going to be two minutes, and I apologised a LOT.... some people just don't know how to be civilised about things.) Then had a small barny with husband on top.... feel like my loving kindness toward myself, nevermind everyone else, sapped away the minute my meditation was done. Have now broken my rule about going to bed early... up and working an hour later than I should.... off now to meditate for 10 mins.... I wonder if I'll be able to focus at all. Morning, can you just wait for a few extra hours to come, please? Hoping for a more centred day tomorrow. All those good intentions and then REALITY smacks you in the mouth. But I know that is where the battle really is, isn't it?

Day Four:

Have managed to do both morning and evening meditation -- this is great! Have realised that morning meditation straight after yoga provides the calming and centring recommended which I usually don't allow myself anyway. Still struggling with some negative feelings though. Overall this is all helping me cope with others' negative energy better I think.

Day Five:

Missed the morning meditation, and haven't managed to change my chair yet. Also have not been good about mindful dish washing. Feeling behind, unstable etc. Did evening meditation in bed (better than nothing) but this was not very comfortable (thinking about changing my mattress) and I was interrupted twice and so started over. It did help me remember a friend who is suffering, and that I might be able to help by recommending this programme to him.

Day Six:

Got up despite feeling caught up in my mind do to yoga and meditation -- a great benefit. I have discovered that when I am feeling negative it is even more important to be mindful, to get a stretch, to set aside time in my mind. I tend to hold my breath when I am stressed or feeling preoccupied in my thoughts -- not a great way to release tension. So, feeling better in myself, but worried about bumping up against others. Negotiating emotional turmoil well is not one of my strengths.

Had an angry conversation with husband.  Feels as if doing this is bringing anger to my surface which I can't work out. Yes there were triggers but it feels out of proportion or not as controlled as normal. Could be just hormones.  Did evening meditation. Hard to focus as distracted by thoughts of negative consequences from the conversation.  Still that may have been justified.

Day Seven:

Well something is working -- sheer force of will and determination if nothing else, as I got up on a Saturday morning before work to do some yoga and meditation. That just about never happens. So for yoga and meditation this is the most consistent week I've probably ever had (doing both in morning plus meditation in evening). A pat on the back. 

Found meditation hard work tonight as full of guilt over a parenting mistake I made .... keeps you humble, this job. 

Have been trying to work out why the anger is there. It might be that I am just more in touch with myself, and more willing to express it, and more clear about what I want. So when what I want doesn't happen, am I lashing out faster? This is not what I was expecting. But I think I have to embrace it in some way..... is husband right and I really am a fairly angry person at heart? I just don't know. I didn't think I was but I guess now I need to face whatever it is that is really there under the surface. 

Also, I didn't manage to do the different chair exercise. But I have noticed that I have opportunities to break patterns. This morning I washed myself with my left hand rather than my right, and thought about changing the order in which I dry my body parts. For a person who is so habit driven, this was work! 

Now having read over my entries for this week, it's been very up and down. I have perceived my discipline and practice very positively, but my general attitude toward life seems narrow, harsh, angry and intolerant. Not at all what I was expecting. Must see what this all leads to next week. 

The beginnings

I'm starting here - with whatever the condition of my mind, body and spirit.

This is an online diary of my journey toward mindfulness and cultivation of positive life-qualities.

My goals are to cultivate helpful qualities of mind and habit, such as mindfulness, focus, discipline, and practice, and to cultivate helpful qualities of living such as generosity, compassion, loving kindness, etc.

My influences are varied. I was brought up a practicing Christian, and have a basic comfort level with mindfulness meditation and an openness to Buddhist teachings and practices, although I have not studied any in detail.

Initially I'll be following the guided meditations found at http://bit.ly.rodalemindfulness which are linked to Mark Williams and Danny Penman's book "Mindfulness: An Eight-week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World". I'll aim to cultivate one set of mental disciplines and/or qualities every week and report back here on my progress. I will take some liberties with this programme, however, in order to include a practice of cultivating the spiritual values such as compassion, etc., as the desire to grow these qualities in myself is actually the catalyst for my project.....I am merely using the structure of Williams/Penman's book to get me started.

The greater purpose here is to improve my relationships in all respects: first with my husband, which is sadly and permanently on rather bumpy ground; second with my children, for whom I long to be a good role model and feel sorely lacking in this capacity, so wish to first cultivate in myself that which I hope they will spiritually inherit from me; third with my friends, acquaintances, and business colleagues; and fourth with my fellow man/woman - the stranger in my sphere of influence. I am keenly aware recently of how much power I have to affect another human being for ill or good, and need more tools and inner wisdom to determine/notice and choose the good I can give to others.

Here is the list of Williams/Penman's eight practices which are the start of the recommended mindfulness practice:

1. Mindfulness of Body and Breath
2. The Body Scan
3. Mindful Movement
4. Breath and Body
5. Sounds and Thoughts
6. Exploring Difficulty
7. Befriending
8. The Three Minute Breathing Space

Here are the qualities I might choose to cultivate:
1. Breath/awareness
2. Gentleness
3. Acceptance
4. Compassion
5. Gratitude
6. Generosity
7. Patience
8. Loving kindness
9. Perseverance
10. Curiosity
11. Joy
12. Peace
13. Faithfulness
14. Self-control

In all this I want to become a better human being.

Follow, read, join in as you will.